


when my heart shatters, petals fall

by kittylovesbambi



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-10-08 07:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17382413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittylovesbambi/pseuds/kittylovesbambi
Summary: Changmin falls in love, but he also falls ill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justanothernobody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/gifts).



> hi i decided to add to my list of WIPs on this website /falls down/

It was initially just a muted note humming in the background, a feeling that he was aware of but couldn’t identify. It came when he smiled at him, pride glittering in his eyes and painting his cheeks pink, when he called him pretty and when they accidentally brush shoulders during interviews.

Then it bloomed. As they matured together, he lost the fat in his cheeks and started working out, filling out his shoulders and hardening his abs. His body matured but his eyes still shone like a child’s, curious and innocent and bright. He learnt of his character, his soul and spirit were built of something so amazing that he simply couldn’t akin him to anyone else. He saw him as one of a kind, someone special and unique, indispensable.

When he collapsed, the bottle of orange juice spilling and spreading across the floor.

Changmin could only look at his feet and watch the orange wet the sole of his shoe. He fixed his gaze on his feet and all he could hear was “poison” and “help” and Yunho’s cries.

Yunho never cries.

He exhales, and tastes spring.

* * *

The first petal fell on stage, in the embrace of the man he had come to love and rely on.

He had burst into tears when their award was announced, overwhelming gratitude and relief from the knowledge that all the trying times had finally bore fruit came flooding in like a tsunami and his mask just dropped and shattered, his feelings laid plain for the thousands of people watching him live and on television.

That was when he stepped in, wrapping his strong arms around him and pulling him in. It was a kind of celebratory gesture, and also a kind of protection and comfort, a “sorry for all the pain that I couldn’t protect you from” and a “thank you for pulling through”. He felt his lips kissing the base of his neck and the sound of his breathing was rugged from the emotions he was trying to suppress, desperately determined to keep the promise he had made to his grandfather.

Changmin thought of him, thought of them, though of all the times they had been through and all the ridiculously terrifying and difficult moments they had shared and endured, and how Yunho had always been there with him, his energy and perseverance like a beacon guiding him whenever he felt lost or depressed from being forced to mature way too quickly.

He felt thankful and guilty at the same time. His sobbing started anew, his body wrecking and throat tightening, ugly sounds muted pressing his mouth hard against his shoulder.

As the audience’s thunderous applause filled the arena, he felt the velvety plush of a petal force its way out of his throat in between his gasps for air and his teeth naturally sank into its flesh as he tried to keep it hidden.

It was bitter.

* * *

 

At first, both saw themselves as third parties, uninvolved besides pure spectatorship. They had always envisioned their paths as a straight one, never saw a crossroad and never saw the need to choose one over the other. So they refused to participate, choosing silence as a form of protection for both the parties involved in the fight.

But they forgot that they needed protection themselves. Their silence and consideration was twisted into something evil, disgusting, and greedy. The flames of the war that they had decided to view from afar spread and burnt them to crisp, allowing the wind to carry their ashes to wherever it pleased. Their will was nothing compared to thousands of others, who wished for them to burn on a stake and disappear. 

That was when they fought. They were both drowning in pain, desperate to find somewhere or someone to unleash it upon. It sparked from a simple affair of him leaving a tshirt lying on the couch, but the air had been so tense and charged for days and weeks, that he just dropped all forms of courtesy and formality and went up to the older man to scream at him and fling the shirt in his face. They argued about nothing really, and about everything. One fought with too much passion as he did with everything else while the other had his anger break his usual iron clad control, the chains disintegrating and releasing a flood of words that only aimed to hurt and destroy. 

The red suddenly disappeared as he saw Yunho flinch, his brows furrowing and eyes reflecting both betrayal and disbelief. 

Changmin couldn't recall the daggers he had just flung.

"Hyung-"

When the door slammed, the most unbearable pain ripped through his chest. Changmin collapsed to the floor and gasped for air, his fingernails drawing tracks of red on his chest as if trying to claw his heart out to ease the pain. He retched, dry heaving until he spat out a few crumpled petals. As his breathing evened, he drew his knees up and hugged himself as a terrible chill settled in his bones.

Blinking through his tears, he eyed the petals, all brown and withered, mourning for the loss of the summer that never came.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if this is obvious but, just a reminder, all events in this fic are fictional. haha. jUST IN CASE YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME.

It was difficult after that, living together was. They couldn’t talk to each other, wouldn’t talk, because every conversation always ended bitterly.

Yunho slept over at his friends’ more often, leaving Changmin nodding off on the couch with a cold pot of soup and rice on the dining table. Changmin started drinking more too, more often than not he was alone, drunk crying himself to oblivion. The Kyuline noticed how haggard he looked all the time and continually expressed their concern, but over and over he chose to keep mum and avoid answering their questions. But during one Kyuline meetup he had gotten too drunk and spilled the beans about him and Yunho, their arguments, the cold tension in the air, how Yunho wouldn’t even look at him, how terrible he must be for Yunho to hate him so much.

How it’s getting harder and harder to breathe and how his chest always felt it was freezing over, the petals coming up more and more frequently, each one more and more withered.

Kyuhyun couldn’t forget how Changmin wailed and bawled his eyes out, bent over and grabbing his sleeve and asking him if there was any way he could stop loving Yunho, begging him to make the pain in his heart stop.

All he could do was to hug him and tell him everything would be alright.

Both of them knew it was a lie.

* * *

 

One day, Yunho brings home a girl.

It was the first time in weeks that Yunho and Changmin managed to speak to each other civilly, when Yunho introduced her to him. Changmin smiled and laughed at all the right places, offered to show her their apartment, cooked dinner for them and was the definition of a gentlemen.

Because she was beautiful, she was sweet and friendly, and because she clearly loved Yunho.

And because that was the first time in a long time he saw Yunho smile so genuinely.

He could see how much he loved her, when he smiled at her, when he saw the love from his gaze when he looked at her when she laughed or when she fixed his hair. He saw all of this as he sat across from them on the dinner table, smile in place and easy jokes falling from his lips, his nails digging so hard into his thighs that they drew blood.

After they left, reality suddenly came crashing down. It was as if someone turned off the stage lights, the audience applauding his performance as the curtains drew close. He was no longer pretending to be someone else, pretending that he was okay with it all, he no longer had the reason to. The act was over, he did everything to make Yunho happy, and he succeeded.

Once the masquerade was over, the actor was reduced to nothing.

Why did he even fucking bother.

He was furious at Yunho, because how dare he bring some girl back without informing him beforehand, how dare he get a girlfriend and not even consult him about it. How dare he, after weeks of ignoring him and getting mad at him, bring a girl back and expect him to smile for him and be happy for him?

And he didn’t even fucking know how he felt about him.

That asshole didn’t even stop once to think why even when they weren’t talking, Changmin bothered leaving packed meals in the fridge, why he made hangover soup every time Yunho didn’t come back for the night, why he dutifully kept the house organised when all Yunho did was to try to avoid him.

He didn’t even ask why he had decided to stay.

He had told himself before that love should be unconditional, that it should be unselfish and that he shouldn’t expect anything in return. But the romanticist in him was rudely awaken, as he realised that his life wasn’t a romantic drama, that he was merely the sad third party to the main characters that were Yunho and her. And even in those dramas, all the neglected third wheel could receive was an apology and a farewell, and there was nothing here for him, absolutely nothing.

He was on all fours on the floor before he knew it, violently hacking up bloody petals and staining the floor red. Exhausted, he laid collapsed on the floor, eyes teary and vacant, a trail of drool and blood trickling down his chin.

His throat hurt, his chest hurt, and his heart was unsalvageable, he wondered when all this would end so at least he would stop hurting then.

His phone beeped. He ignored it at first, refusing to return to the state of consciousness so quickly. But it kept beeping, being fucking annoying, and he was forced to dig the phone out of his back pocket.

_Changmin-ah… Thank you for just now._

_I’m glad we didn’t fight for once, and you were so nice to Yeonseo-ah._

_I hope you like her, it seemed like you did._

_Let’s talk more later ok? ^^_

_I will do the dishes later, don’t worry!_

_I’m really happy to see you smiling and laughing again :)_

And Changmin laughed, really laughed, his shoulders shaking and his knees folded into his chest, tears running freely down his cheeks. Yunho was playing the cruellest joke on him and Changmin was foolish enough to let himself act as he had scripted.

He got himself up after some time, did the dishes and went back into his room and turned off the lights before Yunho was back. He laid on his bed, wide awake. He heard Yunho come back, his footsteps getting louder as he walked down the corridor, stopping in front of Changmin’s room.

_Come in, you coward._

But Yunho started walking away again, back to his room as his door clicked shut.

_I see you’re sleeping Changmin-ah, thanks for doing the dishes. I’ll cook breakfast for us tomorrow morning ok! Goodnight and sleep well Changminnie~_

Changmin was out the door before sunrise the next day.

* * *

 

“You want to add new members?” Changmin couldn’t believe his ears.

The staff had called him in that day, sans Yunho, and offered up this ridiculous proposition. They had been going on for five years and counting, adding new people now would be, strange. They would have to relearn their chemistry and readjust their image and-

“Or the two of you can go solo?”

Changmin’s heart dropped.

“Look, Changmin-ssi, you need to understand,” Changmin would never understand. “For just the two of you to continue with TVXQ, it will be really difficult. Isn’t it already difficult to perform your songs as five? It will be twice, no, thrice as difficult if it’s just the two of you trying to carry on the concept. TVXQ has been known for quality choreography, vocals, and stage presence. Do you really want to compromise that?”

No, he would never. But he was willing to work doubly hard and more, to make sure that their performances still delivered. And although he hadn’t seen Yunho since the day he brought his girlfriend back, he knew Yunho would share the same sentiments as him.

Neither of them would want to stand on stage alone, and neither of them wanted to give up TVXQ.

He was ready to argue back, the promises to work harder sitting on the tip of his tongue, the demands to continue as two or there would be no meaning. It would be disappointing for them and what was left of their fanbase.

But he remembered his illness, how happy Yunho was with Yeonseo, how his feelings would never get reciprocated.

_This is an incurable illness, Changmin-ssi. From the looks of it, you only have about a year left. I’m very sorry._

Changmin took a deep breath and closed his eyes, contemplating.

It took all his courage and regret came crashing in before he even opened his mouth.

“Ok, let’s end TVXQ. I'll go solo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i... happy valentine's day? :)
> 
> i promise it get better /sweats


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a short update,

It blew so fast, so quickly, like he’s been living too long in the brilliance of fireworks that he had forgotten what a starless sky looked like, that when the show ended and everyone left, he simply couldn’t comprehend, refused to accept that it ended.

He remembered the brilliance at which they burnt, when he was standing at the top of the world with the people who had been through hell with him. But before he knew it, he was no longer standing on stage looking at a glittering ocean of red, but falling so fast he could hardly breathe, his limbs scrambling for purchase. He couldn’t stop, like a star shot out of the sky and hurtling through the empty darkness of space just waiting for its sparks to run out.

He felt helpless, weak, trying fruitlessly to grasp onto the wispy smoke of what used to be his daydream. But he was just a human being, and it was truly all he could have done. He knew couldn’t possibly have stopped three independent adults from leaving if they were hell bent on it, though the devils in his heart whispered otherwise.

And so did the rest of the nation.

_Because it's all his fucking fault. His team fell apart. Who else is to blame but the leader?_

_I can’t believe he betrayed us. Does he have any conscience?_

It was terrifying.

Because there was a point in time that he truly believed that if all else failed, that if he had to leave the stage, he could at least jump into that crowd of a million faceless people because they would always be there to cushion his fall.

That they would always be there to protect him.  

He was wrong.

Even at home, it was difficult. They had never fought like how they were fighting before. There were always people around to stop them before it escalated too quickly. So he had thought that bringing a third party would help mediate all the cold tension in the air. He usually wouldn’t bring people home without telling Changmin, but they were having a cold war again and he was sure Changmin would not even be home he if had told him.

He had always thought that Changmin and him were similar, despite their differences. Yunho always gave his best, and Changmin always reciprocated his intensity. Changmin always seemed to understand him even if he didn't say a word, he used to think that that was what made their bond special.

He stood in front of Changmin’s room, stared at the dark gap beneath the door, then at his toes, wondering what he had done wrong again. 

He didn’t think that way anymore.

_And I can’t believe he managed to brainwash Changmin too._

He wondered if Changmin regretted staying behind.

With him.

_"Why is Changminnie so angry?_

_"You know that he hates seeing you sad, Yunho-yah."_

He barely held himself together before he safely crossed the threshold of his room and locked the door. 

He had always lived with constellations in his eyes, but now they were all extinguished, with nothing left but a dark sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with a melodramatic ending.


End file.
